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Slowly descending into madness...

Coronaviiiiiiiirrruusss!!!!

Y’all…I am losing my mind in the ‘Rona.

My quarantine highlights thus far:

  • Trapped in the house with a bunch of carb eaters…the struggle is real
  • The children are also losing it…and that’s a whole nother story…
  • I didn’t think I would ever get sick of binge-watching, but here we are
  • Never thought I’d miss the gym, but here we are
  • Lord, THE INSOMNIA, which brings me to…

3:53 am Twitter rants about communication and words and lost (or un-requited, or un-expressed) feelings…Lord, Jesus…and it’s not like I didn’t mean it, but—

Anyhoo, none of my 76 playlists (on top of a plethora of live concert-esque happenings) are helping me. At all…And if Ari Lennox don’t get—listen, if you are in your feelings, don’t even start with Ari Lennox unless you’re prepared to be digging around in the everything drawer looking for batteries at the ass-crack of dawn. But that’s a whole nother story as well…

What I’m saying is—quarantine sucks. Had to soak my nails off. Everybody’s head is looking a hot mess. Every feeling I’ve ever had has decided to show itself. I’ve had no less than three anxiety attacks, and let me just say- it’s a good thing we’re on lock, because unfortunate decisions would have been made otherwise…

I can also say this though, I am beyond grateful that my family and friends are safe and healthy. I’m grateful that I’m blessed to have a roof over my head and food in the kitchen and all the creature comforts I’ve come to take for granted. It could be worse. And for that, I’m thankful. I’m also grateful because no matter what happens, I’m pretty sure life as we know it has changed. I wonder how many people have realized that their lives were just them existing, and that there is so much more that they are capable of doing and being. I wonder how many people have decided to cherish their loved ones and s/o. I also wonder how many people have realized that they’ve outgrown their relationships and need to make changes.

In spite of it all, I believe we’ll be okay. I—for one—have finally had the time and mental space to compartmentalize all those feelings that insisted on being heard and analyzed, instead of pushed down and drowned with whatever. I’m coming out of this a better (hopefully), focused and more self-aware person. We can’t let all this death and suffering be in vain. We owe it to those who are (and will be) lost in all of this to live our lives like everyday could possibly be our last. Cuz. shit, it just might be…

Peace and love…

I don't think this is working out- part deux...

 

(Originally posted Feb. 24, 2020 at fearlessblackwoman.com)

So, as I predicted, the vegan/seagan/pecatarian me did not make it. Long story short–the hunger was to much to bear. I am now doing this Keto/Paleo/sort-of-veggie/Cheese-eggs-and-spinach-and-pork-rinds kind of thing. I like to call it “Toni’s Diet Plan (trademark pending). We’ll see how this works out.

I mean, I do have plenty of energy. I’m not as hungry, and I throw in some blueberries and the occasional cauliflower crust pizza. Don’t judge me. This is a lifestyle, not a diet!

Anyhoo, if my blood-pressure agrees, I’ll keep going. And before you get all “That really doesn’t seem healthy” let me assure you that I work out regularly, eat plenty of leafy greens, take multi-vitamins and my chakras are balanced (mostly).

We’ll see…

I Don't Think This Is Working Out...

(Originally posted Feb. 4, 2020 at fearlessblackwoman.com)

“I’m hungry.” -Beyoncé

So-some time ago, I wrote about how I was thinking of going vegetarian. And that’s all I was doing—thinking. In 2017, this movie came on Netflix…you know the one…and suddenly everybody and their mama decided to swear off meat. Including myself. So I’ve been off and on (mostly on) pescatarian for about three years now. And when I tell you I.AM.HUNGRY. AF!!!!! All day. Every day. It’s maddening. 

Full disclosure: I don’t really like vegetables, per se. I mean, not enough to eat them all the time.  I’ve been living off Morningstar, Daiya products, Impossible burgers, vings (you read that right- vegetarian wings) and smoothies.  And I am fucking staaaarrrrving. I don’t know if I’m gonna make it y’all.  Bacon I can live without. I can also possibly do without the ribs that I have loved so completely for most of my life…but the call of REAL chicken wings is getting to be more than ya girl can bear. We’ll see how this works out- cuz I’m telling you…

This...

 

This is how I have felt for the whole year of January-February, 2020. It’s been a long, strange, painful time, and I—for one—am ecstatic to see it roll on out. I’m not a huge fan of March (sooooo much rain), but I’ll take it right about now. Things will get better. They have to…be encouraged.

RIP...

I am not ok. My heart is broken. And I was going to find a beautiful picture of Kobe Bryant and his beautiful daughter, but that just felt exploitative and presumptuous and just…wrong (For me. I’m glad it comforts people to post photos of happy times; I was just too broken up to even look). Because all I can think about right now is a father having to console his child during what must have been the most terrifying moments. And all I can think about is a mother with three little girls who has lost a husband and a child. And three little girls who have lost a sister and a father. And all I can think about are dreams unrealized and plans not completed, and a future that has been forever altered for all of them. I’m thinking about years gone by, and time wasted, and false starts and a hundred other things you think about when someone leaves this world too soon.

This post will start out the latest, and then others will move it down the list, and time will pass, and life will go on. But on this day… life, man. Life. What does it mean? What do you do with it? How do you live it? God knows, I wish I knew. I wish I could make it make sense. There were 9 people on that helicopter. Some of them children. I will say that I will not disrespect those whose lives ended before they were able to complete their life’s work by not doing mine. Nothing makes it better, but it doesn’t have t be in vain.

                                                                                     Peace and comfort to all of you…